DEAR PETER:
My husband and I have been married for eight years, have known each other for ten. We have a very close, best friends, marriage. I recently discovered to my great shock, that he is conducting an affair. This affair has been going on for three months. He stated that he thinks he has fallen for her, but still is in love with me, but that she makes him happy. She is on her second marriage with teenage children. My question is, am I wrong to think the marriage is over, or am I supposed to hang in there? My pain and shock are so great, that I sometimes feel that it is better to just walk away. I do still love him but I am confused about my feelings. How can trust ever be regained? He still keeps in constant contact with me, sending me letters of love etc. but has yet to end the affair with the other woman. We are a young couple with no children. Thank you for your time.
Candie

DEAR CANDIE:
Just as there is nothing so precious as the closeness of heart that a husband and wife can experience when they love each other with true unselfish love, there is nothing so terrible as the breaking of that love. You need to sit down with your husband, in private (not in a public place like a restaurant) and gently share with him about the potential for true happiness between you and your husband. Husbands and wives can bind together to such a degree that their minds and hearts become completely one, like a round rubber ball. Inspire and educate him about the quality of the relationship that you both can attain.

Then, let him know that his relationship with the other woman makes it completely impossible for the two of you to create and maintain that beautiful relationship. Three halves simply don’t fit together. Tell him that he has to choose which woman he wants to build a relationship of true love with - and let him know that you love him and want him back. Make your terms strict though, because when you do have children, this type of mess will damage them as well as the two of you. Now is the time to sort it out. If your husband is a man of honor and conscience, he’ll leave the other woman and commit himself to an eternal relationship with you.

DEAR PETER:
My husband and I have been together for 8 years now and just recently married. He is a Malaysian and I'm a Singaporean. Though all these years, he has been telling me of his wish to return to Malaysia someday, I didn't give it much thought. Recently, he brought up the subject again and has even started looking for a job and talking to potential employers.

I'm beginning to fear the worst, that the day is drawing near (he mentioned that he should hear a reply from the company by Dec 97.)

The problem is I am an only daughter to my parents and am very attached to my aged grandmother whom I've been living with. I simply can't bear to leave them and I can't imagine how I can cope in a foreign country all on my own.

Moreover, I'm not sure if I can find employment in Malaysia. All this has been causing me a lot of stress and depression. I've tried talking to my husband who loves me very much, but he is not willing to give up this desire for my sake as it is his dream.

Please tell me what should I do?
EK

DEAR EK:
Is there any chance that your grandmother and parents could go with you to Malaysia? This is one of those awful dilemmas where both parties have valid concerns. What are you choices? Your husband can give up his dream in order to take care of your very valid needs with your family. You can abandon your parents and grandmother, in order to follow your husband, but that would be cruel to your parents. Or you can try to find a compromise solution, such as moving with your family to Malaysia, or moving with your grandmother, and then visiting your parents each month.

Generally, one tries to find the solution that brings the most people happiness. For example, if you were called to Calcutta by a vision from God, to help care for the homeless, you might decide that God’s call was important enough to go, even though your family might have to endure suffering. War time also causes soldiers to leave home, for the sake of the greater good of defending their country.

If your husband’s desire to go to Malaysia is motivated by that type of public mission, then you may wish to consider going with him. A lot depends on purpose and motivation. Ultimately, you are presented with a very difficult choice. Preserving the relationship of love with your husband is very important. I hope you can do that, and still take care of your family.